-FROM THE WILD IMAGINATION OF WRITER-
Martin Berman-Gorvine
The Social Aptitude Test: Don't Panic!
So many of our young people panic when it comes time to take the written portion of the Social Aptitude Test. There's no need! First, remember that the written test only counts for 25% of your total score. By the time you take it, your behavior in school from first through eleventh grade has already been recorded in your Permanent Record and assigned a numerical value. If you have fully complied with all the demands of your teachers and peers, you're already three-quarters of the way there! If not, this *is* your last chance to lead a decent, productive life and not become a Nihilistic Nabob of Negativity assigned to work in the sewers. But don't sweat it! Study these sample answers from last year's test to get an idea of what will be on this year's exam. Good luck, young people!
SPIRO AGNEW, VICE-SATRAP AND SECRETARY OF RE-EDUCATION
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28. When you meet a Sub-Baron of the High Ones, which of the following forms of address is mandatory?
a. "I am honored to meet you, sir."
b. "I am deeply honored to meet you, sir."
c. "I am most sincerely and deeply honored to meet you, sir."
d. "I am most sincerely, deeply and utterly honored to meet you, sir."
e. "This unworthy creature grovels in your august presence, sir."
ANSWER: (b)
(a) is used only with a Probationary Sub-Baron, (c) with a Demi-Viscount, (d) with an Arch-Marquess, and (e) only with a Duke or higher.
45. The Bicentennial Constitution of 1976 guarantees freedom of speech with what qualifiers?
a. Speech must be decent.
b. Speech must be responsible.
c. Speech must not be a threat to public order.
d. (a), (b), and (c), are all correct.
e. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion,
or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of
speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to
assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
ANSWER: (d)
Choice (e), of course, is taken from the First Amendment to the Old Constitution, knowledge of which amounts to sedition.